11 Major Deceptions You Must Guard Against (Book Excerpts)
Foreword
Worthy of Note: The ‘creative’ writings of this text were borne out of the experiences of the author- from friends and people around him and articulated by reasoning-what he had been taught by family, elderly ones, in school and other places, the books he had read (long ago but can’t remember!) This is the reason there are no references. His thoughts on this topic conform, to a very large extent, to what modern research would assert. The author apologizes for the ‘usual’ nature of the text.
The self-help material, 11 Major Deceptions You Must Guard Yourself Against is primarily a relationship-based material that cuts across relationship recognition, marriage and seri-ousness–defined relationships (amongst individuals). It is a workpiece with the potential of helping those seeking serious relationships and marriages. It gives a “let-us-face-it” approach to analyze the power of certain blindfolds known as deceptions in terms of their true recognition, and consequences and proffers long-lasting solutions to preclude oneself from their servitude. With insight-based examples, stories and other interests, the work-piece sheds light on each of the mentioned deceptions.
It unravels the can of worms associated with various marriages and relationships people involve themselves in. From the
fruiting years of childhood to the growing years of youth and finally, to the stable years of adulthood, the material deals with blindfolds associated with people of these ages. Infidelity, divorce, premarital and post-marital sex and other vices are general blindfolds that the work-piece believes originate from the media, schools and the general society.
Deceptions 1 to 11 discuss the blindfolds virginity loss affects the lives of youngsters, influences the persona of the male and female folks in terms of getting married, the adverse effects of engaging in multiple sexual relations, the ills of chauvinism of men and the resulting subjugation of women in marriage, the wrong prioritization of money as a criterion for marriage, the wrong notions of men and women about each other, the “love is blind” and “divorce is normal” veils, the issue as to whether married men and or women keep a company of singles, the belief of men going on a sexual adventure with women and the conviction that things can get better when married.
11 Major Deceptions You Must Guard Yourself Against… gives the way-outs of the blindfolds in the time and age the world is living in. This is intended to enable individuals who are in serious relationships with their spouses and “normally” married to people around the world, irrespective of race, status or background, a beneficial and enduring union with their spouses.
Preface
On a fateful morning, a motorist, on his way to work, from a distance, apparently observed a water-logged expressway that is a free “pathway’ to his workplace. Unfortunately, he took to what he observed and figured out a means to get to work. Though he was successful, he was at the mercy of his boss who came to work hours earlier. However, if he had moved a little closer to the apparently observed water-logged expressway, obviously he would have noticed that it was a mirage (a blindfold or deceiving observation) and taken the expressway as a route to his workplace even earlier than his Boss!
There are certain statements we hear either from the mass media, people or other sources that have undoubtedly eaten deep from the root of our growing years of childhood and youth to the stable period of adulthood. In other words, the statements are saliently understood words of deception which have affected our thoughts and dealings with people, analogous to the motorist who took to the apparently observed water-logged expressway.
The saliently understood words of deception have unequiv-ocally truncated the anticipated longevity of relationships
existing between and or amongst individuals and married couples. No doubt, there are fact-based records of demise in relationships amongst individuals (celebrities inclusive), broken homes, and estranged and divorced cases amongst married couples. At this juncture, the need to ‘guard’ ourselves from deceptions is at this point necessary.
“What are the deceptions?” A question you may want to ask.
Acknowledgement
First of all, all thanks must be given to God Almighty for His grace in the completion of this work.
Moreover, to friends, family members and other individuals who have given their ‘go – encouragement’, I would like to say a big thank you. You are the purest diamonds I can ever get!
1
It is No Big Deal Losing Your Virginity
I n recent times, a youngster, losing the worth of sexual virginity, is no longer an anomaly as it used to be. In fact, there are various statements that encourage young people to “give up” their virginity. Expressions such as “You are not a woman, if you aren’t sexually active”, “You’re missing the peak of sexual enjoyment if you don’t indulge in it”, and
“This is the age you experience the dynamics of manhood and womanhood”, “Make love!”, “You‘ll become a complete person” and so on are used to effect what has now become the acceptable modern value – promiscuity instead of chastity. However, if we view this issue from both sides of the coin, can it be said that promiscuity possesses an intricate (positive) value more than chastity?
Consider a situation where a farmer, as part of his painstaking selfless service towards community development, was hand-somely rewarded with two fertile lands which he had to choose from. The first land had been bush-fallowed, used for other not-good purposes (diabolism). However, its soil is fertile; very
cultivation-friendly. On the other hand, the second land has never been fallowed, possesses a host of ever-green tall trees, productive medicinal crops and cash crops, has never been defiled and obviously very fertile. If you were the farmer, which of the lands would you choose from?
Undoubtedly, teenagers are the victims of this development as they take in hook, line and sinker the efficacy of the deception: “It’s no big deal losing your virginity.” From the very late years of childhood to the stable years of adulthood, virginity loss has become a household name and is an embraced phenomenon. Why? Generally, youths seem unperturbed; by the cancerous spread of virginity loss in the lives of every Tom, Dick and Harry. Unfortunately, young women are most times victims of this eventuality. Conversely, teenage men are not left out as virginity loss sets the pace for likely insecurity and doubt (infidelity) in their subsequent dealings with their female counterparts.
At this juncture, a striking statement would be made to en-lighten people about virginity’s worth, irrespective of gender. But the term “virginity” has its light reflected on the woman, though it applies to the man. Hence, our attention would be focused on the female gender. Before the “striking” statement, a ray of light would have to be shed on the ‘virginity’, cutting across the male and female genders: virginity is a mindset which can be translated as the ability of the individual to abstain or practically say “No” to lust-filled offers, no matter the nature of the prevailing circumstance.
“The only physically sacred possession, worth, most cherished jewel a woman can really uphold is her virginity. Without it, she is (likely) to be treated like other women, irrespective of status and background. The consequences? Increased insecurity and doubts as unveiled by infidelity continued fornication and adultery. The way out? A thorough and genuine spiritual overhaul”.
This is a striking statement. Leonardo Da Vinci’s Monalisa Portrait is the most insured material in the world; no man can buy it, even the world’s richest man! What is fascinating is that modern X-ray can reveal only its three visible versions. If a man-made material can be seen as the most expensive and insured, how much more the God-inputted virginity? Founded in 1886, Coca-Cola arguably remains the most richest and successful bottling company in the world. Why? The peculiar (codified) concentration that tastes uniquely different in various places is obviously the reason for its greatness. Without this reason, Coca-Cola, like other bottling companies will undoubtedly not be as successful as it is. In the same but a greater vein, a woman who is a virgin is one in a million women, an analogous “field”, attracting well-meaning men to her because what is “codified” in her is undefiled, yet to be decrypted.
A Buddhist Priest is designated with the “ritualistic” responsi-bility of keeping the sacredness of the temple at specified times. Similarly, God-given virginity is a sacred worth which ought to be kept until the time is discerned for the consented ritual to be
figured out. In other words, marriage should be the specified time (time discerned) where the fullness of consented ritual (sexual intercourse) exercise can be appreciated. Unfortunately, the sacred worth of many young people (especially women) has been lost before the “stipulated time”. In fact, the world has turned upside down, clamping down the accepted value of chastity and promoting promiscuity in various forms; media, schools, and people. Without an equivocation, there are consequences of “decrypting” the God-given ‘code’ before the ‘stipulated time. What are they? Reviewing the crux of the “striking” statement with respect to the ask “what are they? the following can be inferred.
1. Increased insecurity and doubt (as unveiled by infidelity)
2. Continued fornication and adultery
Others include contracting diseases, vagueness in direction (life-set goals), poor sense of judgment, low self-esteem e.t.c. These would be explained in Deception 2. Precisely, these point at the gravity or efficacy of encouraging promiscuity using the losing-your-virginity approach as a starter. On the other side of the coin, chastity poses its consequences whose price demands a painstaking commitment with proven results of self-control. The following showed the aftermaths of chastity:
1. Chastity saves youngsters from the dangers of unwanted pregnancies
2. Chastity prevents young people from imminent dangers of contracting diseases that are deadly.
3. It precludes juveniles from the servitude of increased insecurity and doubt and in future, infidelity in terms of
IT IS NO BIG DEAL LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY
continued fornication and adultery.
4. The worth of chastity affords youths the opportunity to be goal-focused; prospect-driven; success-oriented and counselled rightly.
5. At this point, a question is directed to you: Sincerely which of these is a mirage? Options: (a) Chastity (b) Promiscuity.
If you are reading this and you are not a virgin, it is no crime. After all, as humans, we are mistake-bound. However, you can start now by vowing to become chaste, though it is a hard nut to crack task it is worth the effort, considering the long-term benefits. If you are a virgin, no matter what has been said, always say to yourself, “I am one in a million of women.”
Note: If you question seven guys on whom they will marry, there is a likelihood that you will get at least four responses saying; “I would prefer marrying a more chaste girl.”
2
It’s good to feel the “sweetness of sex” by engaging with different people
D oes the expression “variety is the spice of life” ring a bell to you? Of course, the sweetness of a food delicacy is due to a combination of carefully selected
diet constituents in different compositions by an expert-driven preparation. Today, countries around the world have unequivocally outlined the fundamental human rights of their citizens. They have an essential common element, “freedom”. Citizens of the world’s recognized nations have over the years been abused by the same entities through various ‘visible’ outfits depicting and encouraging a sexual misuse of the word “freedom”.
A typical instance is the erotic movies that have become Hollywood’s blockbusters. These movies portray the need for engaging in practically deceptive acts, translated as expressions given in Deception 1. They encourage sexual freedom; a means of sexual gratification by seeking different believed-to-be competent individuals for the act of love-making, irrespective
IT’S GOOD TO FEEL THE “SWEETNESS OF SEX” BY ENGAGING WITH...
of relationship status. The erotic movies watched by viewers had in a way succeeded by blindfolding them; believing without a doubt that sexual freedom improves one’s sexuality and enhances relationships. As a matter of fact, the characters used in these movies are made to paint make-believe situations by drifting towards having illicit affairs with other persons with or without the consent of their spouses and simultaneously maintaining a steady or fidelity-defined relationship with their spouse. Is that really possible?
Some will say ‘yes’ while others will say “No”. If you are for the former, then it can be inferred that there is a marriage in front of you and if you are not careful, the aftermath may not be interesting. “How?” A pertinent question! Interestingly, most of these characters in the movies are in their relationship expe-riencing not-encouraging issues such as demise or “breaking”, divorce and estranged situations that are realistically associated with their private lives. However, they have successfully spread the deceptive statement. “It’s good to feel the “sweetness” of sex by engaging different people to it” through their acting prowess. Obviously, the impact this make-believe act has created in the personal lives of their fans is enormous, despite the conspicuously fabricated story lines.
Another typical instance is the extreme X-rated pornographic movies and magazines. Obscene images, torturing techniques and other dirty acts displayed by porn stars support sexual freedom. The Porn Industry has marketed itself as a respected phenomenon and drawn the interest of many people (races) to believing without a pinch of salt that sexual freedom pays. In various pornographic movies, a particular porn star must
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
have “slept” with different people. To an extent, what has been painted is this: sexual freedom affords us the opportunity to improve our sexuality by having intricate sexual contact with different people. What porn filmmakers fail to assert is what porn actors and actresses face in real-life situations, shame, neglect, low self-esteem, drug and addiction, sexual mania situation, infidelity, insecurity, diseases and so on. In the same vein, the actors and actresses of most classic porn movies have influenced immensely the lifestyle of their fans, despite their “unreal moves” most of the stunts performed are choreographed, edited and concerned sex performers are usually on sex-enhancing drugs.
Unfortunately, most of these stars are club girls, drug pushers, strippers, dancers, studs, and high school dropouts. The question “Generally, how have they influenced the lifestyle of movie viewers?” comes to focus. The answer is simply shown in the relationship approach. Most people engage in relationships to sexually gratify themselves. Simply, they see relationships as means to sexually improve themselves; a practical usage of sexual freedom. What is meant to be preparing the ground for a life-long marriage is now used as a platform to selfishly satisfy sex urges. What do you expect?
Honestly, sexual freedom is a mirage that really makes people see those they engage in relationships with as sex objects, that is, tools for gratification. In fact, sexual freedom realistically encourages infidelity, insecurity, diseases and so on amongst people who are in relationships and marriages. Hence, the following statements can be deduced.
1. Individuals who had engaged in failed ‘I love you’ re-
IT’S GOOD TO FEEL THE “SWEETNESS OF SEX” BY ENGAGING WITH...
lationships were used as sex objects, tools for sexual gratification.
2. A woman of infidelity is like a “semen receptacle” where men can deposit their God-given strength in, away and out of sight.
3. A habitual fornicator will unequivocally become an adul-terer or adulteress if there is no genuine and thorough spiritual overhaul.
4. If proper caution is not exercised, the marriage between those who had engaged in failed ‘I-love-you’ relationship will continue as subsequent illicit affairs outside their matrimony either the man cheating on his wife or vice versa, both parties cheating on each other with or without man or the wife knowing.
Sexual freedom permits people to engage in various forms of sexually dastard acts such as lesbianism, bestiality, homo-sexuality, bi-sexuality, anal sex and so on under the guise of overcoming boredom, anxiety, neglect by organizing money-spraying shows, parties and other social events incorporating these sexual forms thereby providing youngsters with a pre-ferred choice to practice. For convenience, however, we are considering sexual intercourse. On the contrary, what sexual freedom has failed to recognize is that “sex” in the context of direct physical contact existing between a man and woman is a bond that creates a deep and lasting impression on both parties.
In a situation where an individual had engaged in various failed ‘I-love-you’ relationships, how can he or she enjoy a good and steady relationship? Recently a bosom friend of mine, a Kenyan, had been involved in many failed relationships. In fact, in her
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
words, “I was used like a piece of a disposable syringe to heal the prevailing sexual urge by my so-called ex-boyfriends.” Really, it all started when she took to being an ardent viewer of porn movies. It so influenced her that she went with her friends to parties, clubs and other joints. (At the time, her parents were not living together. Though she lived with her father, she was always at home while her father is a business tycoon that travels around the world).
As she anticipated, a dashing young man asked her to go on a date with him. She agreed. He eventually became her first love. And as time progressed, they got to know each other better and planned for future marital bliss. All went into jeopardy as she discovered that her so-called boyfriend has been flirting around with other young ladies and is merely using her as a mere sex object. Although she was heartbroken, her mind was set – to move on with her life. Unfortunately, owing to her naivety, she was tossed around like a paper in the devil’s basket’ in her subsequent relationships.
3
The “bad” girls get or end up marrying the “good” guys (vice versa)
A pparently, this is becoming an en vogue statement in utterances of many youths today. A question that should come to us is: “What results will the
combination of black and white colours give?” The terms ‘bad’ as used in ‘bad’ girls and ‘good’ guys as used in ‘good’ guys will have to be looked into as ‘bad’ as seen by society is an adjective describing certain actions which are not morally acceptable and possess more demerits than merits. On the other hand, the term ‘good’ refers to the description of actions which are acceptable by society and possess more merits than demerits. Therefore, the ‘good’ guys are those who are morally upright and possess qualities that are encouraging the reverse is the case in the recognition of ‘bad’ girls.
There is a need to digress a bit. Some people say that ‘bad’ girls make good wives than ‘good’ girls; ‘bad’ guys make good husbands than ‘good’ guys. Tell me, how possible is it? A ‘bad’ guy who had lived an age of fruitless youthful exuberance, middle age of insecurity and doubt and if particularly not careful, will live an old age of regrets will suddenly make a good husband! ? It takes special grace and sheer determination to turn a new leaf. We are looking at two deception-defined statements: The ‘bad’ girls get or end up marrying the ‘good’ guys and the ‘good’ girls get or end up marrying the ‘good’ guys”.
The “Bad” Girls Get Or End Up Marrying The “Good” Guys
Sometimes, it is fascinating to juxtapose these statements “like begets like” and “The ‘bad’ girls get or end up marrying the ‘good’ guys”. What a contradiction but they are used to address the same issue. What an irony! Tell me, can an armed robber agree to go on a mission with a philanthropist? Can a mad man dance naked with a mentally alright man? Most people end up marrying their type, for instance, a club girl will likely end up having an intimate relationship or even marrying a club guy. Tentatively, it is observed that ‘bad’ girls do keep the company of ‘good’ guys, even marrying them. Typically, it is like the motorist who observes a water-logged expressway that is realistically a free pathway. Yet, people are of this “mirage” view. Only if they can motor a little closer, probably this view could have been realistically approached. How?
The following gives the realistically approached observation made to the observed mirage, the statement “The ‘bad’ or end up marrying the ‘good’ guys”. Before the observation can be recognized, we must consider the apparent reasons this statement is fast becoming a household name. Precisely,
THE “BAD” GIRLS GET OR END UP MARRYING THE “GOOD” GUYS (VICE...
what would make a ‘bad’ girl, after engaging not only in failed relationships, sleeping with quite a number of men and having done other defying acts in the past but also exhibiting infidelity involve herself in a relatively steady relationship?
Three major reasons are involved (At this point, I stand to be corrected)
1. She is not physically attractive or appealing to her “made clients”, boyfriend, as bedmates owing to the emergence of younger and sexually appealing ladies.
2. Age is not on her side: Her biological clock is ticking against her “get involved in a relationship, even if it means pretending!”
3. She really wants to have children of her own (on the inferred consequence of (2).
The realistically approached observations are:
1. The so-called “good” guys were once ‘bad’ but had turned a new leaf. Therefore, they anticipate the so-called ‘bad’ girls to do the same, whether married or not.
2. At some point in their lives, perhaps, their growing years, the ‘good’, though wanted to express a level of youth exuberance, were demised such “opportunity”. They did appreciate ladies who were wild and very flamboyant but were given the iron-hand discipline. Hence, the so-called ‘good’ description. Although this is not usually the case realistically, it speaks out a possibility as to the apparently observed statement. In a relationship or marriage, a ‘good’ guy with such a background may be with the so-called
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
‘bad lady.
3. Quite alright, the ‘good’ guy could be indeed very good in thoughts and intentions and end up being in a serious relationship with or even ending up marrying his selected ‘bad’ girls. If she eventually becomes a “bad girl-turned-good”, as the saying goes, you reap what you sow, there is a likelihood that if married, the ‘good’ guy could turn bad, which is, flirting and doing other unpleasant things that defy matrimony. We hear of some cases where husbands who were of good behaviour from the days of their youth suddenly becoming torn in the flesh of their wives” were once “bad”, they decided to give up such a never-prospective lifestyle! Interestingly the good-turned-bad guys claim to love their wives. Then, why the imbalance?
4. Some “good” guys who are proudly principled get married to or involve themselves in serious relationships with the so-called; bad girls who are faithful and keen to stand by their once-upon-a-time ‘bad’ girls (wives or fiancés) through thick and thin. However, if you believe in the natural law of karma, do you think the ‘evils’ committed by the then “bad” girl won’t replicate themselves in the lives of their growing children? The answer is up to you!
5. Like a magnetic force field, “bad” girls, if they persist in their attitude, realistically change the attracted “good” guys to their taste whether married or not just as invitation of members into a group takes place, so is the attitude of the so-called ‘bad’ girls influencing the character of the ‘good’ guys, initiating them not a complete world of ‘bad recognition”
6. Can a ‘bad’ girl who had lived an age of goalless youthful
THE “BAD” GIRLS GET OR END UP MARRYING THE “GOOD” GUYS (VICE...
exuberance, middle age of doubt and insecurity and if not willing to change will live an old age of regrets suddenly become a (good) wife, let alone a caring mother?
Next, we move to the second statement: The “Good” girls end up marrying or getting the “Bad” guys
We seldom hear of hardened gangsters involving themselves in serious relationships or marrying morally responsible ladies. How possible is that? Choice! But a blindfolded one! Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that most “bad” guys gener-ally end up marrying or getting the ‘bad’ girls. What about exceptional cases of ‘good’ girls involving themselves in serious relationships with ‘bad’ guys and even marrying them? The following are the realistic approach facts as to why people choose to believe the assertion that “the ‘good’ girls end up getting or marrying the ’bad’ guys”
1. Perhaps owing to a wrong decision made with respect to marrying a ‘bad’ guy if not deep-rooted in the faith of her upbringing, the ‘good’ girl as time progresses turns to the taste of the ‘bad’ guys. It takes a ‘good’ girl with wits to change a ‘bad’ guy for good.
2. Suppose a ‘bad’ guy married a ‘good’ girl who is a virgin, then the view that the ‘good’ girls end up marrying the ‘bad’ guys is apparently correct. Really? What happens if the then ‘bad’ guy who has exercised boundless sexual freedom with various ladies in the past is impotent and this ‘good’ virgin wife needs satisfaction and procreation?
If you suppose these viewpoints, then it is advisable for you to
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
re-think and clearly observe the realities as they affect people (people in your vicinity).
4
Men ought to give into sexual advances to women, whether married or not
I f the statement is put this way: As women, we ought to give in to sexual advances from men, whether married or not, the male folk will unequivocally have problems
with it. Ironically, in loose terms, men generally tend to key into this deceptive assertion. Hence, one of the reasons for male chauvinists to treat their spouses less than second fiddles and simultaneously gratify their sexual thirst for other women, irrespective of relationship status. They fail to recognize that the women they “cheat on” have the right to take part in what they seem to derive pleasure from. Without a doubt, the statement “equal rights” irritates them!
Granted, men are moved by what they see and women are moved by what they hear. However, self-control cannot be excused for giving in to sexual offers. Some men claim that the reason they give into sexual advance from women is due to the response of “the manhood” to sex-tuning offers from women and assert that the ‘seat of womanhood’ cannot be
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
noticed and hence, women should not ‘enjoy’ such a right as they do. What an alibi! The statement has two interpretations, that is, “As married men, we ought to give in to sexual advances from women”. And “As bachelors, we ought to give in to sexual advances from women.” Therefore, we will consider them.
“As married men, we ought to give into sexual advance from women”
If you advocate this statement, do you believe in the efficacy of the marital vows you swore on the altar? Do you know that from the moment you took those vows, you are entitled to sexually submit yourself only to your wife? Are you aware of the fact that marriage is a life-long test of your fidelity? Also, can you remember how sincerely passionate you were about committing yourself (Sexually) to your wife? Have you forgotten that marriage is an institution where sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual and other important requirements are needed for its longevity? If you think that as a married man, you could give into sexual gratification outside your marital convenience, then where have you placed self-control? Apart from that, how would you react if your wife says: “As a married woman, I ought to give in to sexual advances from my male admirers”?
It is a generally sorry case for men who get married without hav-ing the necessary knowledge of staying married. Ill-equipped with the necessary skills of managing one’s sexuality, they stumble into the institution, apparently believing their youthful exuberant tendencies will come to a halt but the reverse is
MEN OUGHT TO GIVE INTO SEXUAL ADVANCES TO WOMEN, WHETHER...
the case. No wonder most exuberance–driven men cannot be sexually committed to their wives – they fail to really put to a full stop the care-free sex lives of their youth days. In a way, this statement has made married men believe that there is practically no consequence. What shallow thinking! If nothing, think about the guilt you will live with for a very long period of time. Of course, thanks to your judge, your conscience! In all, if you really want to confirm how deceptive the assertion is, try self-control.
“As an unmarried man, I ought to give into sexual advance from women”
Because you do not have a spouse doesn’t permit you to have “unlimited” sexual pleasures. Some bachelors would say ‘we are for the fun of having sex since we are unmarried. By observation, however, they would want to settle down and commit themselves to their (would-be) wives in future. Unfortunately, they fail to build the entirety of their personality; sexually (exercising self-control) and goal-oriented. Instead, they gallivant in the name of youthful exuberance to seek sexual gratification.
5
When there is money, it will be safe to get married
I n other words, when money is absent, there is no marital safety. Is it? If money is a criterion for marriage, how long do you think you can make it to make a possible marriage?
Do you want to be the oldest man in the whole world before you get married just because of the need to make available money? The answers to these questions have unequivocally prompted young men and women into realizing ‘fast money’ using cut corners and illegitimate means. The results are obviously very obnoxious, most of all, a resulting sudden death.
In most cases, this issue is rampant amongst young men who will go at length to see that the much-needed money is made in order to ensure marital safety. Unfortunately, it is just a mirage expression of what it really means. Imagine a situation where a man lays the foundation of his building on a sandy platform, anticipating it to lift the building’s load equivalent to that of a skyscraper. The building will in no time be in shambles! The analogy is akin to individuals who lay the foundation of their marriage on primarily money in anticipation that it would withstand the ‘loads’ of sexual gratification, effective communication, and physical, mental and material satisfaction. As a matter of fact, assertions such as” we need money to fulfil our marital desire,” “money is the most important thing in marriage” and so on are used philosophically by men who monetize their marital foundation. By extensive inference, the issue of money has undoubtedly ‘forced’ responsible and prospect-driven women into marrying men who are of a perfectly incompatible character, no thanks to the parochial thoughts and intents of money dynamics. Consider this true life story;
Lizzy, a close-door neighbour of mine, has been married to Andrew for close to a decade. Situations made her confide in me her topmost “top secrets”. One of the secrets would have to be unearthed for the world to see. After all, there is nothing hidden under the sun. However, I use this platform to apologize to you, Lizzy. Please forgive me! In her words, she said: “I got entangled in this inescapable dungeon, marriage because I was pushed into marrying this rich infidel. Granted, he helped finance most of my pursuits in life (academics inclusive), but he didn’t have what it takes to be a good husband. Before I met my present husband, I had been in a relationship with my childhood friend, John. Though John wasn’t financially capable to carter to me, he had a good prospect and was sound in all areas like I could (at the time) recognize. Peers, family pressure and impatience on my part made me settle down with Andrew who was financially more stable.
As I write this , I’m in the abyss of marital misfortune as he is self-centred, uncaring, and unfaithful and displays a nonchalant attitude towards me. Without any scepticism, I utterly regret why I made this decision” “what a pity” I must say.
At this point, a clarion call has to be made: the earlier we recognize and believe look, me and sinker the fact that money is a used tool for communication instead of the generally constructed implicit communication master, the better our relationships would be. Tell me, how can someone who has been nurtured to be a servant all his life suddenly become a master? This was the intended function of money; a good servant or communication tool. Else, it would be an ugly master, if given topmost priority.
Paper money was introduced to the world in 1919. Economists have asserted that the most outstanding quality of money is that it is a means, the term MONEY simply Means (or Medium) Of (inter) National Exchange (for) yields simply, money is a medium of local international exchange for other goods and services, gains. You can see the reason money was primarily designed. “What should be the correction of this deception?” A clever question! It would be answered by you through clue-like questions. “What would make you sell your most prized possessions to raise funds to resuscitate your dying mother at the hospital? What would make an individual take the place of his friend at the time of death? What would make a woman abandon her family of a well-to-do background and settle for a man who can barely eke a living?” The answers are just one …
It is a virtue which must be the bedrock for any successful marriage. Precisely, it is the foundation which can withstand the ‘forceful burdens’ of marital setbacks and make concrete the convenience of marriage. Similar to a man who laid his foundation on a rocky platform; it is the worth that would ensure an Enduring blissful and beneficial marriage if embraced. Can a man-made creation such as money be the bedrock of an eternity-in-life marriage? If yes, what happens if a setback such as a financial downturn emerges? Obviously, the ‘virtue’, a God-defined name, is an eternity-based recognition, serving as the bedrock of a life-long marriage. After all, you cannot lay the foundation of a bungalow building anticipating it to withstand a load tantamount to a skyscraper.
Money can run errands but lacks the verity to send errands. This should be the simple viewpoint of people. In a marriage, the transient nature of money makes it a flop-noticed master when prioritized. Put simply, it can never be a good foundation. However, it should be seen as the communicative tool or arguably a faithful servant that (with proper instruction) will run the errands and successful marriage. On the other hand, virtue should be viewed as the concrete foundation which is commensurate to eternity-on-earth marriage. It is to be reckoned with in terms of its ability to withstand marital challenges through painstaking sacrifices. What is that ‘virtue’? A question you may want to ask. The very answer is true love.
It does not mean that money is not essential for marriage rather, it is a communicative tool or with proper sagacity, a faithful servant of True love. Realistically, it is the foundation of all long-lasting marriages that have ever existed in the world from the medieval to our contemporary era.
Therefore, true love should precede money. After all, who is the servant without his master and how can a master not need the service of his servant for errands to be sent, carrying out instructions and so on? With true love on your side, the mutual co-operation between you and your spouse will birth an idea that will produce immense wealth and make the marriage interesting. Hence, it is right to say: “With true love, it will save to get married”
6
He (or she) has a sexually not-good past but will change, though, still in the habit of flirting
Do you know that when you form a habit, the habit will eventually form you evil communication corrupt good manners? Indeed, it takes sheer determination
and special grace to give up this lifelong addiction to cigarette smoking, promiscuity of unpleasant consequences. Audrey, a dashing middle-aged young man, had been smoking since the age of 15. Now married with children, he is yet to say “no” to cigarette smoking. If not for the principled nature of his wife, Lillian, probably his three sons would have taken into his lifestyle of cigarette addiction. The same analogy is applicable to sexual promiscuity.
He has a sexually not-good past but will change, though is still in the habit of flirting
At this point, if you have a spouse who is busy ‘playing around’ with other ladies, then I suggest you ask him the question, “Sexually are you worth being faithful to?’’ His sincere response will tell whether or not you should go ahead with the relationship. What makes you think he will change, considering the fact he is been busy “sharing” you with other women? Would you be surprised if I told you that he apparently sees your sexuality as no better than the ladies he had rammed, despite his seeming praises of you? Probably, he is financially or materially assisting you, does it mean you cannot prevent the imminent blindfolding – his flirting habit? Given this identified recognition, what gives you the impression you are mentally and physically prevented from the clutches of insecurity and doubt, diseases, lack of focus and judgment?
Automatically, if not now, in a not-too-distant future, as he had done to other women, and if not changed by then, you will really be seen as a sex object and just as the disposable (medical) syringe, he will treat you like or leave you for other women. If you really want to get on with the relationship, then the need to strongly change him by painstakingly imposing on him with humility practicable truths of managing one’s sexuality by yourself or the services of a trained counsellor is undoubtedly very essential.
She has a sexually not-good past but will change, though is still in the habit of flirting
The dream of most responsible men is to be in serious relationships with or marry chaste girls. Imagine a situation
HE (OR SHE) HAS A SEXUALLY NOT-GOOD PAST BUT WILL CHANGE,...
where your spouse is gallivanting with other men. Would you ordinarily be in a relationship with such a person? What do you expect from her- fidelity, a good home, a secured marriage or something? Judging by her promiscuous lifestyle, there is no significant difference between her and just by-the-roadside sex hawkers. Do you want to marry such a lady? Even if she is intelligent, beautiful and possesses what you think are essential requirements of a lady, can’t you exercise the worth of self-control on her and teach her the essence of upholding womanhood—fidelity? If you think you can’t leave the “love of your life”, then I advise you strongly yield to this advice. On her part, it takes self—determination and special grace to turn a new leaf from this chronic habit. This can only be met provided she can practically exercise the lesson of self-determination and special grace. It must be established the warning: “this will be a herculean task to complete.”
7
Love is blind
T he lyrical excerpt was read as “Love is blind” by Eve, a Hip-pop female star and ex-first lady of the then Ruff Ryders, in her hit track “Love is Blind.” In some
romance-based blockbuster Hollywood movies, this assertion is commonly used by scriptwriters. Invariably, it is a household name in the diary of every Tom, Dick and Harry. On second thought, is love really blind?
In a game where players would have to be blindfolded to become winners, does it mean they are blind? Absolutely not! Rather, they have decided to get with the game to really become eventual winners. In the same vein, love is a force which is translated as a decision, interpreted as the ability to bring about the much-needed virtue, barring all limitations through sacrifice and painstaking effort to achieve an intended cause, even at the expense of the concerned reason, nevertheless, wishing to forge ahead with this task. Simply, love is a recognition which can be said to be blind but can really see in the darkest of all places but however decides to go blind
LOVE IS BLIND
without necessarily feeling suspicious or insecure.
The ‘love’ most people claim to have for others is realistically termed ‘lust’ or “infatuation.”From the previous explanation given to love, it can be deduced that love takes time for it to manifest. However, lust or infatuation has taken the place of love as regret becomes what is heard from people who have taken into this misinterpretation that lust is temporal while love is permanent love takes time to manifest while lust does not take time. Love is all about giving or offering value to concern while lust is a close associate of gratification. Love is never dependent on material or financial needs but heavily dependent on the value of impact to be offered or made. From these, you can reasonably see the reasons most relationships hit the rocks. Lack of proper understanding of the term “love” has no doubt made some people take into the mirage “love is blind”
Love is all-seeing! In relationships, whether married or not, people are fond of saying something like “because I love him, my marriage is at the point of collapse”, or “For any man to marry me, he must be financially capable of winning my love” and so on. These do not explain the real meaning of love. No wonder, people ‘fall in love’ and subsequently engage themselves in relationships with different individuals only to ‘fall out of love.’ If you really want to appreciate the essence of love, why not “walk on it”, that is, “walk in love?” Instead of “love is blind”, it is preferable to assert “love is blinding”; it can even see in the darkest of places but decides to be blind for something worth the value to be actualized.
8
Divorce is Normal
O ver the years, divorce rates have been on the increase and questioned the potency of marital longevity.
Unequivocally, there has been normalcy in noticing this issue as most homes and families have embraced this phenomenon as a way out of apparently insurmountable marital challenges. Hence, the reason ‘divorce is normal” is appreciated by most people of the world. However, it is observed that some people marry for trivial reasons and as a result, divorce for trivial reasons too. What they fail to realize is this: it is one thing to get married, it is a different ball game to stay married. It is loosely akin to when an individual purchases a car.
The paramount concern is not necessarily the car purchased but the maintenance to ensure its fitness and value (money recognition). Divorce becomes a way out of challenges associated with staying married. As stated, some people get married for trivial reasons and as a result, divorce for trivial reasons. Therefore, we will consider the (likely) rampant reason people
DIVORCE IS NORMAL
marry which subsequently engenders divorce; as an approach to tackle the challenge of staying married.
The following gives the trivial reasons people marry and hence divorce:
1. Physical appearance/looks
2. Sex / Sexuality
3. Money/Material needs
4. Sympathy/Generous disposition
Physical appearance/looks:
Is the expression “your dressing determines how you would be addressed” true? You would be astonished that one of the real reasons people get married is simply because of “good looks” or an appealing physical appearance of their spouse, under the guise of a first-thing-that-attracted-me impression. On the contrary, it is factual that looks are deceiving. The quality of character is more important than paying strict to physical appearance. This does not mean that physical appearance or look is not necessary but must not be used as a criterion or foundational recognition of marriage. If you discover that the then good-looking boyfriend of yours is really a morally or sensually dirty type and the foundation of your marriage to your husband (your then boyfriend) was laid as physical what would do if you cannot “stomach” his really dirty or unpreventable persona? A divorce suit will likely be contemplated.
11 MAJOR DECEPTIONS YOU MUST GUARD AGAINST…
Sex /sexuality:
Some people marry due to the sexual competence of their spouses. As a matter of fact, people whose foundation or reason for marrying is based on sexuality are arguably not sexually faithful. Consequently, based on a not–concrete marital foundation, such marriage suffers setbacks. For instance, a man whose sexual Prowess was well exerted on his wife (who married him primarily because of his sexuality: sexual power) declines will undoubtedly be perturbed; the suspicion that his wife long for sexual gratification from competent individuals is crystal clear. There is a case of divorce suit filed by a woman on the grounds of the size of her husband’s manhood. She complained bitterly that it is too small. Hence, his sexual prowess is not satisfactory enough.
Money/material needs:
Deception 5 explains the fact that money and other material needs are man-made inventions which are subject to transient conditions. Arguably, most ladies base their marital limelight on the recognition of money. Material needs and money has become rampant in the notion of young men and women in their vices on a successful marriage. In other words, people use the yardstick, and money to ascertain the longevity and success of a marriage. Unfortunately, this is a mirage; unforeseen setbacks have unarguably eaten deep into the tenets of many marriages, despite immense financial and material availability. If you lay the foundation of marriage on money, how would you cope with your marriage if there is an alarming financial downturn that will eventually affect your husband’s financial
DIVORCE IS NORMAL
position? Would you not ponder an alternative divorce? Only time will tell!
Sympathy
The most concrete foundation of any successful marriage is true love. However, people marry on sympathetic grounds
—marriage based on socio-cultural conditions. There was a particular case of a lady raised in a family subjugated by abject poverty, who went through the thick and thin to secure her way into the university. Luckily for her, she fell in love with a dashing young man from a well–to–do family. They got to know each other better and subsequently decided to be intimate. A relationship was developed. Knowing her background, he felt compassion for her and vowed to marry her after their academic years at the university, since they were level mates. Unknown to him, she portrayed a camouflage behaviour to realize her long-awaited dream - parting away with his opulence in the long run.
Really, their relationship thrived from the hard nut to the long years of follow-ups; commitment and sacrifices, despite strong opposition to the fruiting period of marital bliss. Without a doubt, it was a red letter day for both parties as they were in a state of euphoria. Celebrated by everyone who attended the talk–of–the–town occasion, the couple was decorated with different gifts, words of exhortation and congratulatory remarks. For the next five years, the couple was living a happy life of marriage as both parties gave in their “all” and help each other in every aspect they recognized. The ugly truth which he never anticipated was she had been strategizing a not–easy–to–suspect strategy to abscond with his opulence, no thanks to her “chameleon” good behaviour.
Finally, the deed was done but did not succeed in absconding, though she had encased his wealth to her private account (an account he never knew until he was told).To save herself from further embarrassment, she sued him for a divorce. Though, she did not get to have a share in her husband’s assets. She eventually got what she wanted-a divorce and the transferred money. Similarly, most people who marry in the recognition of generous disposition end up abruptly settling for divorce, since they realize the difficulties in putting up with their excesses in the pursuit of staying married. Celebrities, politicians, captains of industry, acclaimed religious scholars and leaders and even the common people are seldom victims of the consequence faced by generous disposition. Because she selflessly showered her generosity towards you, should this be the reason for your marrying her? Unfortunately, people do marry for this reason.
Divorcees claim the reason they divorce is that they married the wrong partner. Why the “wrong” partner? Someone with his right senses when sieving (separating the grains from the chaffs) must be sagacious and patient to get the anticipated. Else, the result will obviously be unpleasant. In the same vein, this is the case of divorces who claim to have been married to the wrong partners. To such people, this is some advice: Find your wife or husband in a number of women or men.
Consequently, divorce has crippled the efficacy and importance of a family as the nation’s building block, truncated parent-children relationship, and encouraged juvenile delinquencies,
The full version of the self help, 11 Major Deceptions You Must Guard Against, is available at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BHRFTQSM?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback