The Darn Things Kids Say

                            (A Short Play)

Miss Alice, 24, always fond of being addressed as Aunty Alice, teaches Moral Instructions in an Elementary School. This time, she seeks to engage her pupils in a discussion regarding what they like and dislike about their parents. It turns out that their statements are darn to the core!

Characters

Miss Alice                 Moral Instructions Teacher

Shade                                         Pupil

Allen                                         Pupil

Johnson                                   Pupil

James                                       Pupil

Blessing                                    Pupil

Jane                                          Pupil

Grace                                        Pupil

The Elementary 3 Classroom…

Miss Alice steps into the classroom, seeing the seven pupils all-sited.

Pupils (stand to their feet to greet): Good Morning, Miss Alice!

Alice: Take your seats, my lovely pupils. How was your night?

Pupils: Fine and yours?

Alice: Mine was great. This morning, I won’t be writing on the board. I want to engage us in a discussion. As part of the moral values I’ve been teaching you, I want to know if you’ve been following or not. Without wasting much time, I will call you by your names and ask about the things you like and dislike about your parents---your mothers and fathers. Before I forget, I’ll ask of your age. I begin …with you, Shade. Each of you will stand up when your name is mentioned. Yes, Shade. How old are you?

Shade: I’m eight years old

Miss Alice: What do you like about your mother?

Shade: She likes to tell me stories that make me go to bed on time.

Miss Alice: Beautiful! Don’t sit yet. Now, what’s it you don’t like about her.

Shade (frowns): She is always fond of checking my notebooks everyday!

Miss Alice: I’m surprised, Shade. What’s wrong with your mother checking your notebooks?

Shade: It makes me feel angry

Miss Alice: You’re very funny (Miss Alice laughs mildly, briefly) Okay Shade. Looking at you,

Shade, I know you aren’t lying. Now, the next question is: what do you like about your father?

Shade: He takes me out to visit the beach on weekends and when there are holidays.

Miss Alice: Interesting! Now, what is it you don’t like about him?

Shade: He comes from work very late at night and I don’t get to see him before I leave for school.

Miss Alice: Sorry, my dear. Everything will be alright. Do have your seat. Allen, your turn... How old are you?

Allen; I’m eight years old

Miss Alice: Good. I begin with the question: what do you like about your mother?

Allen (shy): I like my mother because she loves me

Miss Alice: That’s awesome! Your mother is loving, indeed.

Allen: Yes

Miss Alice: what is it you don’t like about her?

Allen: Anytime I ask her to buy me Short Bread Biscuit, she buys Cabin Biscuit, instead.

Miss Alice: Oh! Why?

Allen: Because she is always telling me that Cabin Biscuit is healthier.

Miss Alice: Listen to your mom. She really loves you. Take your seat. Grace! (Grace stands up, staring at Miss Alice eyeball to eyeball) How old are you?

Grace: I’m nine years old.

Miss Alice: Tell us, what is that thing you like about your father?

Grace: He loves to play with me

Miss Alice: Great! Now, what do you dislike about him?

Grace: He loves snoring when asleep!

Jane: Ah! You never told me your dad snores. Grace, do you snore?

Miss Alice: Will you shut up your mouth?! While talk when I’m talking?! What did I say when an elderly one is talking?

Jane: Keep quiet and listen

Miss Alice: So, why are you not following my instruction?

Jane: I’m sorry, Miss Alice

Miss Alice: Don’t get me upset! Call me Aunty Alice!

Jane: Aunty Alice, I’m sorry.

Miss Alice: Apologies accepted. Good that you’re still on your feet, Grace. Now, what’s it you like about your mom?

Grace: She takes me to her friends’ houses and she’s always happy when she sees me at home.

Miss Alice: What a mother she is… Sweet mother! What do you dislike about her?

Grace (looks around): She gets angry at me each time I’m wrong

Miss Alice: If mom is angry when you go wrong, why should you dislike her for that?

Grace: Her face scares me a lot!

Miss Alice: Wow! I see. James, be on your feet (James quickly takes a standing position) you are looking very fit. Standing at ease... So, James what makes you like your father?

James: My dad doesn’t shout at me

Miss Alice: What a dad he is! What is your dislike about him?

James (confident): He drinks and smokes a lot

Miss Alice: So sorry to hear that.

Everyone is surprised. All eyes are suddenly on James. Miss Alice doesn’t realize her mouth is wide-opened. James is unmoved by the general reactions.

Miss Alice: So sorry, my ear. He’ll change because of you. Do you believe that?

Miss Alice: Blessing, how old are you?

Blessing: Nine years old.

Miss Alice: You’re quite big for an eight-year-old…sorry, for a nine-year-old. But you’re strong! So, do you like your mom than your dad or do you like your dad than your mom?

Blessing: I like them both

Miss Alice: Ok. What’s it you like about your mother?

Blessing: Whenever my mother goes to the market, she takes me too. If she’s at home, in the kitchen cooking, she makes sure I’m with her.

Miss Alice: Good! Charity begins at home. I’m sure you can cook, right?

Blessing: Yes!

Miss Alice: Class, can you see what blessing is doing when she’s at home with her mother?

Blessing, is there anything you dislike about her?

Blessing: Nothing

Miss Alice: Very good! Perfect! Do you like your dad?

Blessing: Yes, I like him.

Miss Alice: Why?

Blessing: My mother tells me that he would ask of me whenever he comes home from work at night.

Miss Alice: Hmmm…Any dislike?

Blessing: No. But he comes home at night.

Miss Alice: Daddy is trying to give you the best life has to offer. Johnson, your turn. What is your age? How old are you?

Johnson: I’m seven years old.

Miss Alice: What is it you like about your parents?

Johnson (sober): My mother told me my dad is in the bosom of the Lord

Miss Alice: Oh my dear! I’m sorry. Do take your seat. It’s well with you, Johnson. Ok?

Johnson (nods in agreement): Ok

Miss Alice: Alright, Jane, your very turn. Tell us your age

Jane: I’m nine years old.

Miss Alice: What’s it you like about your parents?

Jane: I like my mother

Miss Alice: What about your father?

Jane: No!

Miss Alice: Why?!

Jane (hisses): He doesn’t take good care of me. When mom is not around, he brings big girls in our house to drink, smoke and spend the night. I don’t like my daddy!

Grace: Your daddy behaves like mine!

Miss Alice: Grace, shut up! Do you want me to get angry at you?

Grace: No, Aunty Alice.

Miss Alice: Good. Jane, don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright, ok? (Jane concurs by nodding head) Always be good to daddy and mommy.

Jane: I will

(Jane takes her seat, smiling. Miss Alice has to round up her class)

Miss Alice: Children, it’s time for me to take my leave. I’ve heard a wonderful time discussing with you. Always remember what I say to you…

(Pupils respond in unison): Obey your mother and father so that when you grow older, you will be better.

Miss Alice: See you tomorrow! Bye children!

(Pupils response in unison): Bye Miss Alice

Miss Alice (upset): You kids are getting on my nerves now! Call me Aunty Alice! Now say, ‘’Bye Aunty Alice!’’

(Pupils respond in Unison): Bye Aunty Alice.

Miss Alice: Good. But before I leave you, I want you all to sing our song, ‘’Learning Is Better than silver and gold’’

(The pupils sing in unison)

We are in this classroom

With clean handsome and beautiful faces

To do right what we are told

For learning is better than silver and gold (3ce)

(The song ends. The class is quiet)

Miss Alice mutters the words ‘’the darn things kids say…they never cease to amaze me!’’ as she leaves the classroom; chuckling